Sin-Repent-Repeat

Helplessly, I am consumed into the darkness of your soul. Your wanton eyes lured me to the most dangerous corners of the abyss and here, I need to lose myself just to find your world. 

What is more difficult? To trust another so completely or to honor the responsibility to never betray such a trust once given?

It’s been twenty-three days.

The world is silent, seemingly as if having ended abruptly in the night. The sun still sits resolutely below the horizon and the streets hold the shadows of a classic black and white movie. As I close my eyes in this dark room, the dawn remains my comfort. A blanket of generous velvet keeping me safe. The air moves across me like cool water over pebbles yet leaves a furnace of hot air on every inch of my skin. 

You breathe beside me, the very act an art form. Your chest rises and falls with the sedative qualities of a lullaby. Your eminent nakedness half drowned in shadow, every muscle on your exposed torso flowing from the light into the dark. Your skin, so tempting to touch I find it impossible not to stay close, though we could lose ourselves to this California King. I edge the length of my limbs ever closer, fusing our bodies together with my head nestled into your shoulder. My body is strong, yet it needs love. Needs the gentle touch of another. My body was born an individual, bred to strive with independant purpose, yet without a sense of belonging it suffers. 

My eyes dart restlessly around the room, in an attempt to immortalize each detail. These are my final moments and I want to cry. I want to scream and beat my fist into the chest of denial who lays so peacefully beside me. But I am strength, and I am grace so I take that part of me that is broken and make it a ghost, let it fall away into nothing.  

I continue to listen to your breathing as I rise reluctantly and reach for my clothes. I have grown accustomed to your sounds, the unguarded movements that only occur during sleep. Yet you surprise me as my shirt is barely over my head and I feel your strong hand wrap itself around my arm to pull me back to you. The faded bruising on my skin has become a mold for your fingertips. Fingertips I crave constantly, and dream of, endlessly. I am enclosed in your safe cocoon a few moments longer which I cherish even as my heart sinks. 

Closing my eyes to my despair, the sound of your voice suddenly commands my thoughts. It makes me pause and I am the one who is unguarded, overcome with the weight of the words you spoke only a few short weeks ago. 

“You have no right to be angry.

If you need to blame someone for the way you’re feeling, it should be yourself.” 

Suddenly you pull me astride, your strong hands pushing my ass all the way up to your face and I am already bracing the wall. My eyes roll to the back of my head in anticipation as your tongue caresses its way into my most intimate folds. I gasp, feeling your tongue slip inside me and I do my best to resist the instant impulse to grind myself into your face and suffocate you. I hear the undertone of your growl as I begin my upward climb into orgasm, my hips moving back and forth as you suck on my clit. The heat begins rising up my spine, an uncontrollable frenzy and I feel the stinging slap of your hand on my ass commanding me to look down at you. Your eyes pierce me, and I feel you hover for just a moment, your hot breath a sliver away from my orgasm. “Don’t forget to ask” Is all you say. 

Obediently, not willing to lose the moment, I am begging “Please, Daddy. Let me come. Please Daddy, can I come?” My hips threaten to move again and your eyes are still locked on mine when you finally nod and my screams instantly fill the room. My body explodes with the thrill of the pleasure only you can give. I am still riding the high and giggle as you flip me on my back. Before I know it your cock is inside me sliding slowly in and then out of me. You are powerful and imposing as you begin to pick up the pace. You have become the center of my entire universe. You are everything I can feel, everything I can see, hear and smell. You are all that I know. This is, of course, exactly how you like it and exactly as it should be. With each thrust you tell me that my body belongs to you; I am yours to use, yours to punish, and yours to screw. Your words are almost as powerful as your hand. They leave me feeling breathless and desperate for you even while you are deep inside of me, filling me so completely. If it was permitted I would tell you how much I love you, right now. Tell you how much I need this. But it’s not my words that are important. Instead, I demonstrate my devotion to you with complete submission to your desires. 

It’s been twenty-three days.

Before that, one hundred and three days of perfect obedience.

My reward? Just twelve hours, twenty- four minutes and twelve seconds with you. 

It’s been twenty-three days. 

I split myself open for you while you barely offer a thread unless convenient for you.

I chose to give all of this to you knowing you owed me nothing in return. I need to accept responsibility for my own disappointment.

Dear, Daddy.

As your submissive, I have promised to obey you. I follow your rules, I demonstrate patience and obedience the way you have taught me. I trust you with the welfare of my mind and my body. 

I confess, I haven’t been completely forthright. I felt let down. I wanted more than my share so during those twenty-three days I was a very wicked little girl. 

This is an account of my transgression. 

[1] Beautiful Disgrace [GG, Anal, Fisting, BDSM, Switch, D/s]

I pace the studio, the weight of my responsibilities pressing up against my spine. I still grip my phone though I am in a dead zone and it has become a useless object so I pace the studio. Preparing for the days assignment has me buzzing, moving seamlessly through various tasks. Stopping now and then to jot things in my planner and assign articles of clothing to the lineup of models filing in for their call times. The portion of my brain always reserved for creativity thrills at the endless possible avenues. Colorful textiles fall around me and I get lost in the swing of the day. 

Standing in front of a wardrobe rack, I analyze my style guide and wonder if the red silken dress will fit the assigned model. Caressing the material absentmindedly, I imagine how radiant it would look against soft alabaster skin when she suddenly walks into the room, as if materializing from my planner. My whole world slows down as I lay eyes on the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. Her warm chestnut colored hair and pastel skin makes her beautiful pink lips stand out in a perfect pout. Her skin looks so fragile, so soft and the cluster of freckles around her nose makes the corners of my mouth lift. Her small waist catches my attention though hidden under a grey band shirt before leading to curvy hips sheathed enticingly in dark washed jeans. Our eyes lock briefly before she quickly looks away. She’s trying to pay attention to anything else in the room, but I see her bite her bottom lip. My own gaze returns to the task at hand but I can’t help but smile. 

The day passes in quiet observation. I let her eyes find me. I make myself visually available to her so she can take the time to feel the weight of my presence. Her eyes are comprised of a thousand hues of blue with small touches of hazel radiating out in softly swooping arcs. The emotion in them is fathoms deep, yet they carry a warmth and life on their sunlit surface. I don’t dare look back as I dress her. My own eyes stay glued to the curve of her neck, her skin like whipped milk begging me to lap it up. I try to remain indifferent; I don’t lean in, or let myself seem too keen. I brush her hair to the side as I adjust her straps taking care to let my fingers trail her skin, soft and gentle before pulling back and sending her off. 

Sometimes it is better to do nothing when every inch of us cries out to do something. It is far better to let the tendrils of imagination take us into a spiraling sense of need so I remained quiet. I kept my distance knowing we would see each other on another day not so far away. I watched from a far away position for a few moments longer before taking my leave for the day, allowing the imprint of her to penetrate my mind and comforted by the knowledge that she felt the same.

In the days that lead up to our next encounter, the mere idea of her won’t leave my mind. Though I have fully declared and vowed that my body belongs entirely to Daddy, the thought of having her all to myself suffocates my thoughts. I am emboldened. I am brazen. I will have her.

Daddy, 

I’ve succumbed to the absolute power that is you. It pulls, culls and calls my unwitting submission. I’ve known surrender and strength with you. How long I searched for a man whose darkness matches my own – a man who can give me what you give me. You who can dominate me with more than just words. I rarely admit to needing anything, but with you I shamelessly fall to my knees and admit to my addiction. Your words echo in my mind as I look down at the marks streaked across my bottom. I get wet knowing that seeing your marks on me turns you on. In assuming a role as my dominant, you took responsibility for my well being, but your absence has been prolonged without a word knowing full well that I would not be in your proximity for much longer.

Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy – the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation. I haven’t heard from you in days. So I made a decision. I showed you more patience than I felt rewarded for, so I removed the leash from my collar. 

She follows me into my room obediently, expectantly, taking a seat on the edge of my bed. I could feel her desire pulsating in front of me as I took a seat on a nearby chair. It had not been too difficult getting her here. Those sparkling blue eyes full of hope followed me throughout the day; her fingertips brushing my arm, casually leaning in as she reached for something and I patiently waiting for the best moment to make my move. At last, during her last set while I administered a touch up, her chin between my fingers and my other evenly applying gloss across her luscious mouth I spoke the words she had eagerly been waiting for. Ever so casually and letting each word drip with intention, “If you wish, you are welcome to come over for a drink.” 

“Come closer to me,” I commanded. She began to get to her feet, giving me the opportunity to force her down again. “No. On your knees.” I watched as the power of my words placed invisible constraints on her body. She fell down to her knees and crawled on the floor like an animal. In that moment, I was her master; in that moment, everything seemed natural and right in the world. As she stopped between my legs  I admired her. This was my favorite moment between Dominant and submissive, When she looked at me and I knew she was mine to possess, sculpt, mend, bend, and make beg for mercy. I would make her adore worshiping, pleasing and serving me. I wrap my fingers around her neck, I know she is waiting patiently, like a good girl. “Ask me.” My voice changes from casual to Dominant. “Can I kiss you?” Her submissive voice whispers.

My hair creates a curtain as I lower my head, her mouth an inch from mine, I can feel her hesitation, her desire to press her pretty little mouth into mine. My fingers reach down, pulling the string to her dress, exposing her body. I gazed upon her perfect naked form, her pale skin glistened with sensual sweat. I can smell the warmth of her sweetness. She is ripe, ready. My desire to glide my hands through her hair and pull hard overcomes me but my fingers trace the line of her panties instead. 

My mouth still inches from hers, I let my finger trail up her navel, along the curve of her breast where I stop and squeeze her nipple between my thumb and index finger. Her eyes close and I squeeze harder, she bites her lip tilting her head back, a groan escaping her lips. Lifting my hand I slap her breast in one swift and hard motion. Gasping, her eyes open wide remembering her place and she is once again looking at me obediently. “Is this ok?” I ask. She nods and I slap her other breast, much harder this time. “I’m going to hurt you. I’m going to make you very uncomfortable tonight, but you’re going to be safe. Do you trust me?” My tone grew harsher, but in these situations, consent is always necessary. “Yes Miss.” Her voice trembles just a little as she answers me, but the sparkle in her eyes is unmistakable. “Do you still want to kiss me?” I ask my voice a bit gentler. There was no going back and that was exactly what she wanted. Deep breath. “Consent.” Lifting her head towards me, she answers eagerly this time, “Yes Miss, yes please! Can I kiss you!” I nod my approval. I steady her head between my hands and eye her intensely. Then my mouth is on hers, hungry and aggressive. I let my teeth skim her lip  claiming her and enjoy the gentle probe of her tongue snaking its way into my mouth. I end the kiss dramatically, leaving her reeling and wanting more. My fingers wrap themselves around her throat as I take all of her in before making her turn around. My blood pumps faster just thinking about having her naked and willingly at my mercy. I can’t help but think she’s exactly what I need.

“Whose slut are you?” 

I glance up quickly and take a moment to absorb the beautiful face sitting on the edge of the bed before me. Everything stands still. The only thing that exists is the two of us, our eyes locked on one another. Our breath synchronized, our hearts beating as one.  I look at the man who has fundamentally changed me. “I am your slut, Daddy – only yours.”

Your eyes burn into mine. “If this wasn’t a moment in your guilty conscience, I would tan that beautiful backside for being such a dishonest little bitch.” Your tone is low and imposing, sending an icy shiver through me. My breath quickens with every word, as I imagine being sprawled over your strong lap, my skirts tossed over my torso as you administer my spanking. I clench the moistening muscles between my legs, acknowledging how good the idea sounds. Your eyes sparkle as they assess my response.

“You would like that too, wouldn’t you?” you probe, the corners of your mouth lifting into a wicked smile. I swallow hard, knowing that even in the darkness of my thoughts, You can see my colour rising from my neck to my cheeks. “Yes,” I murmur, transfixed, even by your shadow. 

“If you have missed me, it doesn’t show” you motion to the beauty kneeling between my legs. “You know I have,” I reply, not daring to take my eyes from your blue orbs.” 

“My sluts ask for permission before taking other lovers, you’re just fucking her to spite me, because you feel I don’t give you enough attention, isn’t that right my greedy little bitch?.” The truth of your words leave my gut wrenched and suddenly my haze is gone and I am back in the present moment.

For a second, I acknowledge the thought that I was being a spiteful little slut and push my pet down aggressively nonetheless, pushing the thought far away from my mind. Her perfect plump ass is up in the air and ready for me to administer ten gratifying slaps. I enjoy the sharp intake of each one of her breaths every time my hand lands on her tender ass. The red marks that form quickly on her alabaster skin fill me with a surge of pride. My fingers reach between her legs and she is dripping. Forcing her back to her knees, I slide her dress off her shoulders, holding on to the string that serves as a belt. Circling it around my hands, I slide my new found rope around her neck, pulling her back against me with a striking force. The sound of her restricted breath makes me smile. Pulling tighter, my lips find her soft shoulders, I kiss each freckle as I run my tongue up her neck, “Perfect!” I groan, “you are absolutely fucking perfect!” I bite down hard drawing blood, leaving my mark for all to see. My mark. The same type of mark Daddy leaves on me. The mark that still holds a deep visible red hue on my own skin. 

‘Are you ready to serve me” I ask. She voices her acknowledgement and I turn her around letting her bring her face between my legs. My panties are still on but I watch as she noses them out of the way, circling her tongue around my clit. She stops and inhales my scent deeply, thoroughly enjoying herself, a soft moan escaping her lips. I grab the back of her head and push her deeply into me, suffocating her for a brief moment before I order her to go to my bed and lie on her back. I love how she eagerly does as she is told. Grabbing a bottle of lube and letting my own clothing fall to the floor, and make my way between her knees. I allow her legs to wrap around my waist as I lean in and hover, letting my lips find hers, my tongue fucks her mouth as my fingers fill her pussy. Deeply, urgently and completely unrestrained. My teeth clench her lower lip as she comes all over my fingers and I am pleased. I sit up on my knees, looking down, her pretty eyes filled with pleasure, “I can promise you that I’m going to take you to new heights that you’ve never imagined. That I’ll make you feel pleasure so intense that you forget your name. I’ll fuck you so good, for so long that the only thing you’ll crave is my hands on your skin.” I wrap my fingers around her throat, I pinch and smack her breasts and I soar as I watch her face turn dark with pleasure while she nods vigorously at me, trying to speak through ragged breaths. 

I spread her legs, admiring her soft rose bud pussy. So sweet, so soft, but that’s not what I want. I don’t want what’s already been taken by so many others. I want something for myself. Something she will be sure to remember me by. I lift the bottle of lube and let a generous amount spill into my hand. My fingers find their way back to her clit and I lift my hand several inches letting the lube drip in a slow stream all over her ass and I enjoy the flash of fear that crosses her eyes. “Don’t be afraid darling, do you trust me?” I stop my slow sensual motions on her center and wait for her response. “Yes Miss, I trust you!” Her soft whisper electrifies me. “Trust me, I only have your pleasure in mind.”

My slick fingers find their way to the opening of her ass and I massage the rim, while the thumb from my other hand plays with her clitoris. The moans escaping her lips make me wet and wanting for my own orgasm. Daddy’s voice echoes in my mind, hot and heavy. “And once I have you bound and helpless, how should I take you? Missionary? From behind? Against the wall? Or should I just ram my cock up your virgin little ass, punishing you for being the disobedient little slut you are?” As she begins to rise again, I slip one finger into her ass, and while she is coming I slip another and another and another, until slowly I am slipping my entire hand in one swift motion inside of her hot wet ass. “This is mine.” I whisper aggressively, “All mine, do you understand?” Her eyes are wide as I move my fist easing in and out. “Yes yours!” She echoes as I tower over her, as intense and savage as only I can be, making her feel small and delicate in comparison. I wanted her to feel trapped in a cage she wanted to stay in forever. As she moves with me, lightning lashes through my veins, and my focus narrows to the hot clenching around my wrist, and her legs tightly wrapped around my waist. A spike of adrenaline courses through me as she groans my name and shatters, “Yes, Baby, come for me.” I keep my eyes locked with hers and enjoy the warmth of her juices flowing from her pussy, her head tilts backwards as she reaches the apex of her orgasm. 

There is no more powerful feeling than the one shared between a sub and her Dominant. I hold full control of her pain and pleasure in the same moment. 

We stay still for a long moment, breathing together, watching the shadows flicker across our faces. I slowly remove myself from inside of her, the deep sigh that escapes her lips makes me smile. I step away to clean myself up, enjoying the rip of power surging through my blood. When I return, I can see she is still willing and ready to continue serving me. 

“Do you think you deserve a reward Babygirl?” I feel your presence once again. This time, behind me. Your hot breath is heavy on my neck. A spike of adrenaline begins coursing through me. I tilt my head to the right and out of the corner of my eye I can see the heavy braids from your leather flog, its length nearly reaching the floor. My breath catches and I think carefully before answering. “The only reward is you, Daddy.” A dangerous flicker of energy passes between us as I turn to face you, your pupils dilate and I can see the arousal that floods your body. Without warning, you snake your fingers into my hair and pull harder than I could ever anticipate; claiming me. I bite back the pain, knowing I have no right to scream or cry. “Your pretty words won’t save you this time pet, you will get exactly what you deserve, trust me.” My soaking pussy is a testament to the deep impact of your words as I imagine myself bracing before each of your ruthless strikes.. “Yes Daddy, please punish me.” 

Lifting the sheet, I cover her and let her curl up into herself. “Not this time pet.” I whisper as I lean in kissing her forehead. She closes her eyes, reluctantly but in perfect bliss and I am satisfied that I have provided her with everything she needs. 

It’s been 24 days. 

Upon waking alone in my bed, I  burrow myself in the warm, soft sheets. I rub the remainders of sleep from my eyes and gaze out at the vivid light streaking it’s way through the opening of my curtains.  Thoughts of the visions in sleep come and go in waves, clinging to the very last memory of the night but with little success. Thoughts of you, they fill my mind, I always ask why I can’t rid myself of them, of you. But I know why. Choking back a sob of frustration, I get up, letting the ghost of my pain disappear.

I feel claimed and bonded to you in a way I can’t explain, possibly the way animals do to their master. No one else can give me what you give me. My desire to disobey is not to spite you, but  to fill the void of your absence. Even when I am angry with you my body betrays me, my mind betrays me. It is always you I want.

Dear Daddy, 

I offer you my pain. My blood. My pleasure. I offer you the right to whip and fuck. To debase and harm. I offer to fight your needs with my own. I’m willing to join you in the darkness and find pleasure in excruciating pain. I’m willing to be your monster.

please forgive my transgression. 

Sincerely, your disobedient but faithful little slut.

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